VEGETA AND GOKU VS: THE SERIES
by Felix McKraken
Summary: Vegeta and Goku. Enemies. Allies. BFFs? Follow the excursions of a 'recovering' serial killer and his eccentrically good natured traveling companion, proving once again that Saiyans simply cannot stay out of trouble. Ever.
1. Politicians

** VEGETA AND GOKU VS. THE POLITICIANS (RE-MASTERED!!!)  
**

"Helloooo Congress!" Goku greeted Congress at Capitol Hill.

Embarrassed to be in association with his presence, Vegeta jibed, "Quiet, you."

The interruption hadn't gone unnoticed, and Janet Reno addressed them both, "Out of here, you young ruffians!" As if they had forgotten the existence of the door they'd just passed through, she pointed in emphasis.

"Hey!" the prince said, sounding mildly offended, "That's hoodlums or delinquents to you!" He was just mad because people with names of cities or states were supposed to be cool and go on treasure hunts, but instead she dealt with law suits.

"Do not tell me how to insult you!" she replied.

Sighing, Vegeta explained, "Well, you could at least do it properly!"

Abruptly, George W. Bush made a visit to the Senate and House of Representatives, "HOOOOOOOOWDY!"

Instantly, Goku shouted, "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWDY!"

Uncovering his ears, the brunette gritted out, "Oh, for the love of-!" He was shocked when Goku grabbed his wrist and slung him around so they were both within range of physical contact with the leader of the executive branch.

"George W.," Goku addressed him in his 'polite' voice, "I want you to meet my _special _ friend, Vegeta!" He tugged on the trapped wrist, therefore making Vegeta offer a handshake.

"Special friend..?" the elder blushed slightly, too taken aback to refuse the handshake.

With a placid smile and an aura of benignity, George Bush Jr. hailed them, "Hello there, fine, young, upstanding citizens. I'm the president who wages war on intangible ideas."

"I myself am a leader of a.." Vegeta began, managed to finagle his way out of Goku's grip, then finished, "..strong.. country, and I myself wage war on intangible ideas."

George's eyebrows shot up in interest, "Do you?"

"Stupidity," the prince clarified, "Therefore, here is my formal declaration of war." He promptly took off his glove and slapped the President of the United States with it.

Shocked and appalled, the good-ole-boy said, "How dare you!"

In triumph, Vegeta shook his fist towards the sky and yelled thunderously, "VIVA LA VEGETA-SEI!"

"Hi yi aye!" Goku said, apparently oblivious to what was really going on. He put on a sombrero that Vegeta didn't want to know where he got it from and proclaimed, "C'EST LA VI, MY LITTLE VEGGIE!"

Deflating, the prince chided, "I told you not to call me that in the presence of others. I'm 'your majesty' or 'Lord Vegeta' or 'your lord' or 'your king' or--hey! Stop chewing that!"

Goku spoke with little strips of fabric dangling from the corners of his full mouth, "Why not?"

"You don't eat the enemies tie!!" the brunette growled.

"Don't you mean enemy's, Vegeta?" Goku turned his correction into a question.

Seriously peeved now, his friend retaliated, "I'M YOUR LORD, I'LL DECIDE THE GRAMMATICAL RULES!"

Like a kid with ADD on crack, Goku's focus held for about a syllable, and he showed it by saying, "Look! Alan Greenspan! He makes the stock market."

"What?" Vegeta was flabbergasted, and by this point had also forgotten about Janet Reno and George W. Bush who were both watching the exchange along with Congress, "What is 'he makes the stock market' supposed to mean?"

Switching the subject yet again, Goku twirled around, "Hey, Vegeta? Does my gi make my butt look big?"

"What?" the prince repeated again, completely taken aback, "Uh, no. NOW what's this about 'making' the stock market?"

The Earth-raised Saiyan would not let it go, "Are you SURE it doesn't make my butt look big?"

"Yes, I'm sure!!"

"Well, if you say so," Goku finally relented, "I trust your judgment."

Trying to will away an impending headache, Vegeta said, "Well, that's great. Why would you even ask me that!?"

"Because you have a nice butt," Goku stated bluntly.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" the words flew out of Vegeta's mouth before he even realized he said them.

With the lost interest in the president's tie, Goku opted to nibble on the dry wall.

"DON'T YOU START THAT WITH ME, MISTER!" the prince warned. Goku merely chewed on. "I'LL GIVE YOU TO THE COUNT OF THREE! ONE! TWO! THR--" He stopped when a figure parted the crowd and approached them.

"Hello kind sir, gentlemen and ladies alike," Alan Greenspan said as he came to a stop, "I make the stock market."

"What?" Vegeta found himself repeating the word too often for his taste.

"I TOLF YOU," Goku said as white, pasty crumbs spewed out of his mouth.

"Good day!" Mr. Greenspan tipped his hat and went along his way.

Vegeta was unable to mentally grasp the last several minutes of his life and he told everyone this by exclaiming, "...WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?"

Goku answered incorrectly, "George Stephanopoulos!" Then, correctly, "No, no.. Alan Greenspan."

"I'm tired of your antics!" Vegeta, Master of the Obvious, announced, "We're going home." He took his turn at man-handling which unfortunately, for the brunette, ended quickly.

"We can't!" the younger seemed to protest.

Tightening his grip, the monarch inquired, "Why!"

"We're being held in contempt!" Goku pointed to the ground. The Saiyans were encircled in a chalk lettering which read: CONTEMPT. "Our war against George W. has imprisoned us in these walls forever!" he began to wail, "Nooooooo!"

This turned on Vegeta's frantic mode. "No! Don't cry! It'll be ok! We'll just retract our declaration and everything will be okay!" Seeing as this did not placate his Kakarot, he compensated by adding, "And I'll buy you ice cream!"

Goku sniffled and perked up while somehow still appearing droopy, "Will I get a special treat?"

Vegeta blushed, "Sure." The air was knocked out of him as his accomplice hugged him painfully.

"Yay!" Goku cheered, "Diplomatic immunity, here we come!"

Much later, but not too much later, a trial was held somewhere in or around the vicinity of a place in which a jury, plaintiff, etc., etc. Super Mario Brothers 2 was an awesome game, and then we finish some exposition and here comes the end of the sentence!

For some reason, George W. Bush was playing as a prosecutor, and he asked one of the defendants in particular, "Do you admit to slapping me on the face and saying 'Here is my formal declaration of war'?"

Not understanding the concept of being under oath, as it would damage any chance for Vegeta to escape this unscathed, he responded with, "Oh no, no, no.. you misunderstood!" (Though he was tempted to say 'misunderestimate' for the Hell of it.) "I said, um.. 'Here is my floral decoration of four.' I didn't get to finish my sentence because my-"

"SPECIAL FRIEND," Goku interjected helpfully from across the room.

Vegeta blushed slightly, "..my special friend began to eat your tie." He tried not to think about how awkward his life was.

The president gestured to Vegeta on the stand for the judge. Then he walked a few paces and gestured to Vegeta on the stand for the jury. Lastly, he turned, walked a few paces, and gestured to Vegeta on the stand for the audience. "In that case," he ruled, ignoring the legal processes completely, "All is forgiven."

"YATTA! WE GOT OFF SCOT FREE!" Vegeta leapt from his chair, not realizing that he was capable of thinking out loud.

About-facing, George Bush Junior made his condition known, "SO LONG AS you deliver me the head of Osama bin Laden!"

"Bogus!" Goku proclaimed.

Later still, but maybe not that much later, our dastardly, alien heroes were mulling over their situation. Vegeta leaned back in his chair, balancing it on two legs, "So, what do we know about Osama bin Laden?"

Goku answered while playing with some Tonka trucks on the floor, "Wears diapers on his head. Has a beard. The 'bin' is not German."

Choosing to ignore the stupidity of the first characteristic, Vegeta added to the conversation, "Hides out in caves. Loves to drive Fords." He leapt off the chair and then threw the chair out the window for good measure before ripping Goku's toys out of his hands, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Goku stared into his soul just like puppies do, "I get double the special treat if I'm doubly good?"

Vegeta dropped the trucks to cover his cough, "..sure." Snapping out it if, he revealed his masterstroke of a plan, "We lure him out to the ocean with Ford Mustang GTs."

"Then?" Goku asked, not following in the slightest.

"Then we let Aquaman finish him off and we take the credit," Vegeta folded his arms and looked smug, which was easy, because Vegeta made so few expressions due to muscle memory that attempting anything new, like smiling sweetly and sincerely, hurt.

"Hooray! Dolphins!" the younger shot up in excitement, "I'll go get my snorkel!"

Knowing the other man didn't own one, the prince merely said, "You do that."

There was much heckling and other bothersome verbs, but eventually we came to the next part of the plot.

"Okay," the brunette said as he leapt over a boulder where Goku was crouched on the other side. The shade felt like it was a point of degree cooler, but they were using it for other purposes. Vegeta kept his underling, and the readers, up to speed, "We laced the entire country with these cars, this has to work. It's like motherfucking Hansel and Gretel, except instead of bread crumbs we're substituting with twenty thousand dollar vehicles. And instead of a gingerbread house, we're going to use an ocean. And there's no way in Hell we're going to get burnt alive." He looked at Goku, who looked back at him with those puppy eyes, "Well, there's no way in Hell_ I'm _going to get burnt alive."

Inside a local cave - local in the sense to the position of the Saiyans - a peon addressed his higher-upper, "Sir, all these Ford Mustang GTs just showed up."

"Excellent!" Osama crowed, "I must test drive."

"Sir, they appeared out of nowhere," the peon gave more details, though he didn't want to appear insubordinate, "It may be a trap."

Bin Laden did not take it well, "I will do the thinking, thank you! Who ran airplanes into America's towers and got away with it? That's right! ME! So hush up and go back to your wheel."

"Uh.." the peon was honestly befuddled by what he just heard, and instead of making it worse, he opted to agree, "Aye."

On the outside world, it was only a few minutes before Goku peeked over the boulder and gasped, "There's bin Laden!"

"It looks like he's.. yes.. yes.. he's going for the red one!" Vegeta said with satisfaction.

Goku then gave an example of when his brain cells came into contact with one another, "I'll sneak into the caves. You get Osama, Vegeta!"

Thus ensued a very exciting action sequence that would have enough pointless explosions and stupid dialogue to please Michael Bay, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Uwe Boll. Victorious, Goku exited the caves in search for his partner in governmental dirty work. "Vegeta!" he shouted while slaloming between cars, "Vegeta! He's got them running around like hamsters! They're living off of hamster power! Good GOD!" He stumbled upon his prince, "What happened, Veggie? Where's Osama?"

The proud leader of a warrior race stood soaking wet with seaweed clinging to his hair. "There was a discrepancy regarding the credit of Osama's capture," he told the younger man.

With a sympathetic frown, Goku gingerly asked, "Did he get away?"

Rolling his eyes, Vegeta retorted, "No, you're looking at him." He handed Goku a teddy bear.

"For me?" Goku's face lit up in rosy delight, "You shouldn't have."

"Idiot! That's Osama!" the prince picked pieces of sea weed off of himself, "Tragically, it's Aquaman too..."

Goku, Supreme Artisan of the Obvious, noted, "Doesn't look like him."

Thinking out loud yet again, Vegeta mumbled, "Now to dispose of the bodies..." But Goku wasn't paying attention.

They were suddenly interrupted by a mass of peons who came out of mirage or some shit, "AMERICANS!"

Grabbing Goku by the scruff of his neck, Vegeta shouted, "NO! THESE ARE GIFTS FROM ALLAH! SEE YOU LATER, BYE!"

A rather dull flight back to the States ensued, and eventually our boys met up with George W. in the Oval Office.

"I am quite impressed in which the way you handled Osama bin Laden," he admitted after reading the in-depth report, "Therefore, I award you both a Purple Heart."

"Er, don't you get those from combat when-" Vegeta began. He was immediately cut off by Goku's gem of:

"YAY! SHINY!"

Vegeta let it go.

In conclusion, the president concluded, "Special thanks to you, Goku, for finding the terrorists hiding place and finding their major weakness: food pellets. I honor you both, and you're welcome to visit Congress anytime. Also, you have diplomatic immunity. Walk more freely than the people in my country, and God bless."

On their way out, Vegeta, Master of the Obvious, revealed his thoughts, "It's not like they could hold us in jail anyways, you know, with the power to destroy worlds and all."

Goku, who wasn't paying attention like usual, asked, "Veggie, can I have my special treat now?"

"Sure," his friend said, "but we need to find a hotel first..."

THE END.

A/N: I hope you liked this special version of "VEGETA AND GOKU VS. THE POLITICIANS." I originally started this series for Nashi, but I continue it because it makes me laugh. I hope it made you laugh too.


	2. Empire State Building

**VEGETA AND GOKU VS. THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING (RE-MASTERED!!!)  
**

Downtown New York was busy as it always was. Catering to the needs of businessmen, tourists, entrepreneurs, and hookers, it was like any other major city, except for one major difference. The Empire State Building, one of the older structures of the city, was a Transformer. It was a little known fact known only by a little. Those included to the little group who knew the horrid truth were: the Empire State Building, a cat named "Binky," and Walt Disney. Of course Walt wasn't talking, so the secret was safe with the state. The Empire State, that is.

For those who don't know, the Empire State was the 53rd state to be annexed, and it was run by baseball zealots, particularly those Yankee bastards, underneath the province of New York or Old Amsterdam. This republic was hidden in caves, much like that of Osama bin Laden. The state collapsed in 1945 due to internal bleeding and the Civil War. "We don't want slaves," they said, "they make life too easy." And they left the state in care for itself. Fending alone, the Empire State lived off mice and other small rodents till its building hit stardom. Using the physical appeal it endowed, it lured important, influential people within its midst, mostly yuppies. Then it waited, biding its time...

And so ends the introduction.

Son Goku, Savior of Earth, Supreme Artisan of the Obvious, Special Friend to the Prince of Saiyans, broke out into song, "New York! New York!" He even added a little twirl at the end.

Beside him - still walking at his own pace - was Vegeta, Questionably-Former Planet Purger, Master of the Obvious, Special Friend to the Savior of Earth. "Hey, Kakarot?" he spoke loudly.

Skipping along, Goku inquired, "Yes, little Veggie?"

Somehow resisting the urge to use physical violence, the brunette said, "Can I have a nice, big, steaming bowl of SHUT THE FUCK UP?" The taller man was crestfallen, like a puppy that had been kicked. "Thank you," Vegeta expressed mild gratitude, "Now I can examine this so-called map in peace."

Goku pouted, "Little Veggie is mean to me.."

Thinking out-loud, Vegeta rattled on, "I think we took a wrong turn at Albuquerque."

With a sigh the younger Saiyan continued as well, "I wish something big would just come and womp on Vegeta to teach him a lesson."

"If we crossed the 48th parallel then we've got to be lost in suburbia," Vegeta informed himself because at least that conversation was more intelligent than the ones he attempted to partake in with the only other full-blooded member of his species. Due to his distraction with himself, he also failed to witness the Empire State Building yawn and then stretch. Goku stopped and _stared_ . Plodding along, Vegeta noted, "Why do Canada and Mexico interchange?" He flipped the map upside down several times.

In contrast to the prince's actions, Goku slowly began to back away, "Veggie..?"

"Not now, Kakarot," the brunette insisted. He was determined to not hear another story about how Goku saved a forest creature's life. The story about the bird was bad enough, but the squirrel... the squirrel monologue was torture.

"But, Veggie.."

Spinning around with the map clenched in his hand, Vegeta shouted, "Forget it, Kakarot!" Therefore, he was very surprised when the Empire State Building grabbed him and attempted to eat him. First, the shock of being picked up, then the shock of being gnawed on, and finally - to top it off with - the shock that a building was doing it to him. "Oh god," he said as he were a fourth grader that just found out he was the only kid in the class not invited to the birthday party, "It hurts."

Goku shielded his eyes with his hand and examined the situation, "Vegeta, you make a really funny expression when being chewed on by a large building."

"And you would - OW! - too!" the older of the two yelled back down in retaliation.

The black-haired Saiyan rocked back and forth on his feet, "If I discreetly help you, will I get the special treat?"

"May.. Maybe..." Vegeta managed to say while getting bitten by hundreds of thousands of pounds of glass, steel, and who knows what else.

"Good enough for me!" Goku cheered, pumping his fists into the air as if he'd already won yet another victory. With a small, nigh miniscule, expenditure of ki, Son Goku flew up to where his friend was becoming more and more ragged in appearance, "Hello, building!" He also opted to toss in a friendly, little wave.

Growling in pure irritation, Vegeta chastised his underling, "Christ, it's an inanimate object, not a creature with the capacity to understand you!"

As if the words were made out of pure, 100 natural spite, the Empire State Building replied, "Hello there."

Too shocked to conjure a curse word, Vegeta revealed his expletives in symbols, "Holy #$! It can talk!"

Deciding to not comment on this, Goku spoke to the building again, "I couldn't help but noticing you kicking the crap out of my special friend there."

Between what he assumed was steel girder teeth and rebar, the prince managed to spit out, "You're telling the building this?" He blushed slightly.

"I was wondering if you could let him go so you don't mangle him for life," the other male negotiated calmly, "I could get you a cup of coffee and a bagel!" It's what Bulma always wanted, so he assumed that it was a good bargaining tool.

"I will let him go on one condition," the Empire State Building declared, each syllable like another world of pain for the shorter Saiyan, "You must bring me.." He paused to make a dramatic pause, ".. a shrubbery!"

Yet, even Vegeta in his battered condition couldn't believe his ears, "What? What use would you have for one?" It didn't make any SENSE.

"Hush, child," the Empire State Building put him in his place for the time being. Which was between what might have been a cross-section of a fire escape and a column support.

Wincing, Vegeta went on, "Hey, I'm probably older than you!"

Before he could finish, the building interjected, "And you're proud of that?"

After a moment, the brunette turned to his subordinate, "..Kakarot! Just go get the stupid shrubbery already!"

"Aye, aye!" Goku saluted before picking a direction and heading off.

"Wait.." Vegeta thought aloud again, "Does he even _know_ what a shrubbery _is_?" As he smelled the breath of the Empire State for more times than he wished to count to the tenth degree, he predicted to himself the outcome of events, "I'm doomed." It was a good generalization, and he was very pleased with it. He was almost certain he was accurate when quite some time passed and birds tried to nest in his hair. After ensuring that wouldn't happen again, he decided to himself that their fate was a suitable ending to Kakarot's bird story. Of course Kakarot's tale had been full of harrowing danger, action, and adventure, but it was such a let down when nothing died at the end. He was drug out of his pondering by Goku who announced his return.

"Okay!" the black-haired Saiyan beamed in approval at himself, "I didn't know what kind you wanted so I conglomerated them all into one large ball!"

"How can one know words like conglomerate, but can't count to twenty correctly?" Vegeta thought to himself.

"Thank you!" the Empire State Building showed its pleasure by opening and closing all of its doors to make one large clap which convinced Vegeta that he would unfortunately be going deaf and, even worse, sooner rather than later.

"No problem!" Goku responded, somehow floating in the right air pocket to not receive the effects of the approving clap. He watched as the building gently spat the prince out onto the sidewalk before transforming back to normal.

"Nngh," Vegeta took a moment to breathe before saying, "..let's just go someplace so I can lick my wounds."

Ever the kind, the Earth-raised Saiyan volunteered, "I'll help!"

The prince looked up at him in disbelief, as much as a man who was just almost eaten by a 102-story, Art Deco skyscraper can express disbelief, "Uh.. right.."

Goku gingerly wrapped the elder's arm over his shoulder in order to help balance him, "Silly, little Veggie.."

The brunette walked wobbly down the street, "It doesn't disturb you in the slightest that a building randomly transforms into an intelligent being capable of mass destruction?"

"Should I...?" the younger man inquired, genuinely curious.

"You're hopeless," Vegeta declared before mumbling something about pissing blood.

Then something marvelous occurred to Goku, "Can I have my special treat?" It practically came out as a squeak.

"Yes, yes," his monarch said, mostly to keep him as quiet as possible, "Come on, let's find a hotel."

They strode off in the direction of the sunset.

THE END.


	3. PeTA

** VEGETA AND GOKU VS. PeTA (RE-MASTERED!!!)  
**

"Mmm... meat," Vegeta purred as he ate his fiftieth White Castle burger.

Sitting beside him, on an equally dinky plastic chair, was his unofficial underling named both Goku and Kakarot. He was also devouring countless combo meals. The sun glistened off of his luxurious ebony locks as he chirped, "How I love food products made from animals!" Vegeta found this ironic, but before he could interject, a young woman with blonde hair from the sidewalk shouted at them.

"HOW COULD YOU EAT THE FLESH OF AN INNOCENT AND NOBLE CREATURE?" she said in disgust.

The first thoughts that entered the prince's head was, "Why is she shouting? She's ten feet away." Then he vocalized his second thoughts, "Explain how poultry or moocows are noble."

She scoffed while leaning on the property's fence, "What do you know.. MURDERER."

The brunet spoke around the straw as he gulped down some soda, "No, I'm serious. When do you see chickens dying for their country? Never. Which serves my point."

"WHICH WOULD BE?" the lady raised her voice back up to intolerable level.

"Pointless things can be eaten," Vegeta said calmly before jamming an entire hamburger into his mouth.

"What about when people say 'I'm hungry enough to eat a horse'?" Goku wondered aloud.

"Silly Kakarot.." the elder took a second to finish swallowing, "See, horses are actually VALUABLE so back in the day you'd have to be starving to eat your horse. Productive animals do services, others are meant to be eaten."

"Sure, you could say that about insects too!" the girl interjected with a glare.

Vegeta looked down in contemplation, coincidentally saw a cockroach, picked it up, and ate it. "Protein is good," he declared.

"I think.. I think I'm going to be sick," the blonde announced as she visibly blanched.

Completely oblivious to this display, Goku continued with the topic at hand, "But what happens when you disrupt the fragile ecosystem in which the animals live in? What happens when you eat so many you kill them off?"

Turning all his attention and vengeance to the younger Saiyan, Vegeta replied, "Kakarot, you poor, pathetic excuse for an intelligent and capable carbon-based life form, you solve that problem by NOT EATING THEM ALL. It's a very simple concept."

"As is murder!" the strange lady came back to her senses, "Animals don't deserve to be slaughtered and tortured!"

The prince rolled his eyes, "Well, maybe in the eyes of a malnutritioned loon, but not for those who are sane and rational."

"You can supplement a meat product with anything natural," the girl declared with finality.

Vegeta ate another burger, "Oh, now we're assuming meat isn't natural? That's like saying it's not natural to be human or, in my case, Saiyan. AND, just because it's natural doesn't mean it's good for you. Poison Ivy is natural, but is it GOOD for you?"

"Sh..Shut up!" the girl stuttered while shifting her feet nervously.

"Oh!" Goku perked up as a tidbit of information came to him, "And bees are natural, but when they sting you, you can DIE."

"Killer bees. Now that's freaky shit," the prince commented.

The blonde attempted to redirect the conversation, "It doesn't justify what you do to the animals!"

"I'd say a full and content stomach does in fact. So I beg to differ," Vegeta said as he cleared off a spot on the table.

"You take the life of something! Doesn't your conscience scream at you!?" the girl likewise screamed across the fence.

"My conscience died after my first 250 thousand homicides," Vegeta informed. He found one of their many trays beneath their impressive mountain of garbage and he placed it before Goku.

"You kill your own animals??" their constant interrupter gawked in horror and astonishment, "Don't you think if it took that long it means something?"

"No," the brunet retaliated, "I mean I blew up a city instantaneously. Just didn't give a fuck after that." He passed the younger Saiyan several crayons that were practically nubs and let him go wild on the word search-combination-tray liner. He said something to himself that sounded suspiciously identical to, "They always say your first is special.."

"What?" the girl was completely affronted.

With no food left as a distraction, Vegeta found that his tolerance for stupidity had taken a steep decline. He enunciated clearly and loudly, "I BLEW UP A CITY."

"Okalahoma City?" the PeTA affiliate randomly pulled out of her fantastical brain of which was a waste of resources.

Goku didn't even look up from his activity, "No, that was me."

Both Vegeta and the girl _stared_ at Goku.

No longer hearing the lull of conversation, the black-haired man looked up and saw their expressions. "Well, it was," he said casually, trying to return his concentration to finding the word "knight," but he couldn't find an "E."

Vegeta leaned in and laced his fingers, "Explain." He bore an expression of rapt interest, which wasn't common at all to the alien.

Goku complied, "I was eating at Cici's one day and I had an extra quarter and I thought 'Hey, I have a quarter! What can I do with a quarter?' and then OH GODDAMNIT! IF I CAN'T HAVE THE POWERPUFF DOLL, NO ONE CAN!!"

Vegeta stared at the younger man as he went Super Saiyan mid-sentence. "You make me so proud," he announced, hardly believing he would ever find a reason to praise the third class idiot. Realizing this, he added, "In this instance."

But Goku was too long gone to make note of it, "TAKE THAT CRANE GAME! YOU LIKE THAT, HUH!? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES!? APPLESAUCE, BITCH!" The PeTA girl found this to be the opportune moment to make her leave, seeing as these two men were beyond hope and beyond scary.

"That's right, leave!" Vegeta taunted, "One day, I hope a herd of bovines trample your ass, but even more, I hope I'm there to see it so I can laugh in merriment while they pound your flesh into a paste, and then you know what I'll do-!?"

"BUBBLES!...WHY!?" Goku yelled towards the Heavens, but to Bubbles in particular.

Vegeta ran up to the fence as the girl was making a hasty retreat down the sidewalk, "THEN I'LL EAT THEM! EVERY! LAST! ONE!" He returned to his seat where Goku's typical glazed over expression began to convert his face from lethal killer to adorable puppy in nanoseconds. "I heard a human say this once," the prince told his subordinate, "Sooner or later, you'll eat the meat. Oh yes, you will eat the meat. And you wanna know why? Because in the end, eggplant tastes like eggplant, but meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty fucking great."

Trying to catch his breath, Goku inquired, "Why did you try to not call it murder then?"

Vegeta double-checked to make sure the other male was serious, "Because her kind compare one of your planet's worst wars to how you process food."

"Yeah, that's pretty crazy," the younger agreed.

"Tell me about it.." Vegeta trailed off for a moment, "I mean, you don't hear ME advocating human rights. That's just silly." He stretched before getting upon his feet again, "Come on, Kakarot.. I'll take you to Cici's despite how I despise it utterly."

Goku bounced up, "If I'm good will I get a special treat?"

"Sure," Vegeta blushed slightly, "In fact, you can have one right now. Here's a quarter."

"Yay!" Goku cheered, pulling the shorter man into a hug, "Vegeta, you're the best!"

"I know," the prince said, pushing him away.

Then they proceeded to walk into the sunset where the Cici's was located proper.


	4. The Rubik's Cube

**VEGETA AND GOKU VS. THE RUBIK'S CUBE (RE-MASTERED!!!)**

It was Sunday, the so-called "Day of Rest," yet Vegeta the Prince of Saiyans could not comprehend why humans viewed a day that encouraged the gathering of family members as "restful." So when the opportunity arose, he snuck (with dignity) from the kitchen to the back porch. He was only mildly surprised to find his last living subject on the swing looking like the country hick that he was. It was only mild surprise because Vegeta was aware of Goku's affinity for reminding him of his existence at random intervals.

Still, he had to inquire, "Kakarot, what are you doing?"

"Oh hey, Veggie!" the younger man glanced up and offered a haphazard wave, "I'm trying to make it so this has all its sides one color."

Vegeta said the name of the object, "A Rubik's cube."

"Yeah!" Goku chirped, then added, "I'll call her Ruby..."

"What?" the prince snapped because a feeling - an uncomfortable tingling sensation in the back of his skull that could potentially be labeled "mounting horror" - arose in response to the glassy, porcelain doll eyes the other man acquired while softly speaking those four words.

Relief came when Goku looked at him in his typical way while asking, "Don't you name your possessions?"

"Kakarot.." the elder began, sighed, turned towards the house, and begrudgingly turned back, "Jesus Christ... You name CARS or BOATS or COUNTRIES - things that cost you a good portion of your bank account if not part of your immortal soul. THINGS OF HIGH WORTH." He tried not to shout, but it was so hard when he had been cooped up with the in-laws and spawn all morning.

Goku took the explanation in good stride, and then he ruined Vegeta's tutelage by saying, "Nothing is more valuable than an educational toy!" PBS would have been so proud to hear it.

Carefully restraining himself, the brunet outstretched a hand, "Here, Kakarot, let me see it."

"Ok," Goku said with a smile, and he relinquished his possession to him.

"This is what I say to your education!" Vegeta roared before chucking the cube down the street. There was a twirl of color, a squeal of tires, and a cacophony of crashes. "I didn't do it," the prince stated loudly and clearly.

Goku leapt off of the porch swing, "That car just hit Ruby! NOOO!"

Vegeta shrugged, "It's what she wanted."

"No it wasn't!" the younger Saiyan's attention shifted sharply, "You threw her!"

Just to be safe, Vegeta continued to play defense, "She leapt out of my hand."

"Liar!" Goku growled, his stance subtly shifting into an aggressive one, "You murdered Ruby!"

That tingling sensation from before became a swarm inside Vegeta's cranium, which, in essence, likened to the Robot from Lost in Space. He quickly defused any potential violence by putting his proverbial foot down, "You hurt me and you won't get a special treat."

Vengeance turned to hesitation to a pout faster than the prince could blink. Goku bit his lip and whined softly, "T-That's not fair."

Vegeta avoided his eyes for good reasons. One being that it was much more satisfying to gaze upon the carnage just down the road. "I think life isn't fair sometimes," he casually interjected, "Example: my entire childhood." His tidbit of wisdom was dampened by the approach of a local officer of the law. He was your typical forty year old with a crew cut and bad sunglasses.

He opened with, "Did either of you gentlemen see what happened here?"

"No."

"Yes."

Vegeta rotated stiffly to face his third class idiot, every part of his face expressing a glare except for the fact that he wasn't actually glaring.

The cop did not seem to notice this, "Would you mind telling me what you saw?"

Goku sniffled and deflated a bit, "Ruby.. she didn't deserve it."

"Ruby?"

"His Rubik's cube," Vegeta explained while simultaneously praying for a merciful god to spare him the pain and drudgery of interrogation.

"This Rubik's cube?" the officer asked while holding up a slightly charred, albeit recognizable cube. He was slightly shocked when it literally disappeared from his hand. This was because he wasn't used to encountering other humanoids which moved faster than light.

"RUBY! YOU'RE OK!" the black-haired Saiyan cried out with joy as he clung affectionately to the inanimate object.

A little taken aback, the cop tried to continue his routine, "What else did you see?"

"Nothing," Vegeta demanded. The cop gave the prince a good searching stare and it lingered as he was unable to come to a decision. Then, Goku spoke again.

"It's ok, Ruby," he consoled the plastic toy, gently petting it, "I'm here now."

Right. Okay. That was the tipping point, and the officer retreated to the safety of his squad car where the world made slightly more sense to him.

The monarch was now angry from this diversion, because if there was something worse than family it was the fuzz. "Let me see that thing," Vegeta insisted while reaching for the cube.

"No!" Goku twisted away.

The prince decided to bargain the only way he knew how. He cleared his throat and said in a sing-song manner, "Special treeeeat..."

It worked like a charm, regardless that the younger male hesitated. The end result was exactly what Vegeta desired, and the marginally damaged 3D square was in his grasp. A great deal of rotating ensued for about ten seconds before Vegeta proclaimed, "There."

Goku gasped in amazement, "You made her pretty!"

Vegeta nodded, "Yep." His ulterior motive for performing such a feat was to get Kakarot off his back porch so his Sunday wouldn't be wasted on bad television programming such as a Hallmark channel original movie, or something potentially worse. However, he didn't count on the Rubik's cube to shake. "What the?" he thought aloud. He also didn't count on it to rumble. "Uh.." the leader of their endangered warrior race said, "Here, Kakarot." He tossed the item to the other man.

"What's happening to her!?" Goku's question was packed with concern.

Suddenly, Ruby exploded to a gigantic proportion. The process of which took out part of the porch and made a geometric indentation on the lawn. Once achieving her full length, width, and height, she impossibly emitted a roar, "RAR!"

Vegeta let his jaw drop, then he spoke his mind, "WHAT THE FUCK!?"

Goku didn't know what to make of this new development, so he said, "Ruby..?"

"HA HA HA," the monstrous Rubik's cube laughed, which - for one thing - was an amazing encounter all on its own because it obviously had no mouth and - for another - sounded more terrifying than a clown. She added, "I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOULS! I RELEASE THE POWERS OF UNHOLY RETRIBUTION!" There was movement, and then Ruby began to release her powers of unholy retribution.

"Dear god!" even the Prince of Saiyans was impressed. In fact, he would never admit it, but he was petrified with mortification, but he was also impressed nonetheless. He also deduced Ruby's true nature, "It's the sanctum of all things too horrible to speak of!"

"I WILL CRUSH YOU CRETINS WITH YOUR OWN FEARS!" the Rubik's cube stated before opening a portion of herself which looked like the gaping maw of Hell. What was even more terrifying was that a figure emerged who looked identical to the goofy, good-natured Savior of Earth.

Goku's doppelganger strode with confidence and authority towards the royalty present. "Hello, Vegeta," the newcomer's voice also matched Goku's tenor, but the tone and infliction was darker and richer, "Welcome to your worst nightmare. I'm going to make you cry."

"No!" the prince backpedaled in abject horror.

"Oh yes," the double affirmed as he breached Vegeta's personal space, "You're MY little puppy now."

Meanwhile, Ruby had busied herself by expelling another figure. This one took the form of Goku's special friend. The clone of Vegeta approached the nervous, younger Saiyan. "Hello, Kakarot," the brunet stated calmly, as if he hadn't been called into existence mere moments ago, "Welcome to your worst nightmare. I'm going to make you cry."

"No!" Goku gasped in disbelief.

"Oh yes," the double practically purred in response, "I'm going to do unspeakable things to you."

The black-haired man's eyes became as wide as saucers, "You don't mean-!"

Vegeta's unofficial twin nodded while stepping closer, "Yes. I'm going to restrain you, and then dine." A small, choking sound came from Goku's throat as he attempted to rid himself of the mental image. "Then I'm going to eat a triple-layered carrot cake," the double announced with one of Vegeta's trademark smirks.

The Savior of Earth slapped his hands against his face ala Home Alone, "Noooooooo!"

"KAKAROT!" the original Vegeta cried out sharply. Throwing caution and his pride to the wind, he commanded, "HELP ME!"

His friend spun around and examined the situation, "How can I be over there when I'm over here, 'Geta?"

With a definite shade of red on his cheeks, Vegeta yelled, "SAVE ME FROM YOUR EVIL DOUBLE!"

"B-B-But ALL evil twins are doctors, Vegeta!" his underling protested, "And doctors have needles!" As he finished the declaration a rope lassoed him into restraint. The second Vegeta was tugging him backwards incessantly.

With a vestige of his former self, the original prince snarled, "STOP THE CHIT CHAT AND STOP HIM!"

Goku kiai'd and, in a fanciful move, simultaneously escaped his confines and gracefully threw the Vegeta Double into the Goku Double. The doppelgangers tumbled a few feet across the lawn while the real Prince of Saiyans scrambled aside.

"Do you mind?" the clone of Goku growled as he tried to disentangle himself, "I'm trying to do something about my libido!"

"HA!" the clone of Vegeta snorted, likewise trying to pry away, "If you weren't so malevolent you'd get some without force!"

"What about you!? You're just as evil!" the other man stated.

"Well, yeah. Of course I'm bad," the brunet's voice softened as if fluffing with arrogance, "Bad to the bone."

Goku's evil twin found his voice slipping into something similar, "Being bad has never been so good." They stopped fighting altogether. It only took a moment for the Goku Double to say, "How about a special treat?"

Faintly, a light blush could be seen on the Vegeta Double's nose. "Sure," he said, "but let's go find a hotel first."

They disappeared into the horizon seconds later.

Vegeta said, "..."

Goku said, "..."

Ruby said, "..."

Then Vegeta spoke again, "Okay, that was the freakiest thing I've ever witnessed."

Goku nodded and expressed his agreement, "I mean.. a triple-layered carrot cake without sharing! You might as well say the world is coming to an end!"

Ruby interrupted them before Vegeta could make a snide remark, "YOU WILL BE ELIMINATED. IF NOT BY FEAR, THEN BY EXCRUCIATINGLY BRUTAL PHYSICAL HARM. PREPARE YOURSELVES, MORTALS."

"Oh #$ this," the prince declared before turning toward his companion, "Kakarot. Kamehameha. Now."

Goku shrugged and cupped his hands appropriately, "KA - ME - HA - ME - HA!"

At the same time, Vegeta shouted, "FINAL FLASH!"

"NOOOO!" Ruby screamed a scream of a giant Rubik's cube being destroyed, "I'm melting! Melting..! ...I'm melted."

Goku gaped, "No! Ruby! How could I have?!" He stared at his hands like Lady Macbeth had done except in a less verbose fashion than her.

Vegeta, in an effort to prevent another disaster, invaded the younger male's line of sight, "Good boy, Kakarot! Er, job well done." He fumbled for a moment as he was unaccustomed to niceness in any aspect and recovered by patting Goku on the head, "How about a special treat?"

This caused a restoration of our happy hero to his regular state of being, "Okay! I'll go find a hotel!"

The Prince of Saiyans tried to ignore the disturbing similarities between them and their evil doubles. 


End file.
